A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long--

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Is anyone still out there??

Is anyone still out there?  Does anyone check this site to see photos of Megan?  I have to say that as the years go by, I visit the site less and less.  I wish I had recent photos to post but of course I don't.  I wish I had new stories to write about Megan but I don't have those either.  All I have is memories.  That's all we have left when someone dies.

We are given only one direction to go in life, and that is forward.  Besides losing Megan, that concept was one of the hardest to get used to.  Time just keeps marching on.  When she died, I just wished that time could stand still so I could process the loss, to get used to the idea.  But time just keeps ticking, and life continued to go on.  It was so hard, because I wanted to just stop the world , so I could catch my breath and realize what happened, but that was impossible.  But truthfully, if I even did have that option, I realize now that it would not have helped me accept that she wasn't coming home any faster.

People have told me over the past 7 years, that I am strong and maybe even inspirational.  I'm okay with that description but truthfully, having Matt and Madison kept me going.  It would have broken my heart if they not only lost their sister, but that their mom lost it, too.  But believe me, I did have those days when I wondered if I would survive, but I did.

I do have moments though, when I re-live the day she died, or the days and weeks following.  I still have images and thoughts that take my breath away.  But those are only moments now, no longer hours or days of emotional and physical pain.  Just moments.

It was a crazy time.  We had so many people at our home for months to follow.  I always said that Megan would have loved to be there.  Megan's friends came to hang out with Madison and Matt and I was so appreciative that they brought their youthful spirits into the house.  People brought dinner every day for us.  I wasn't too hungry but I was so, so happy that the kids were getting fed.  We even had a friend come who took out our trash everyday for us.  In the first couple of years after she died, simple things became difficult to accomplish.  I felt like I was walking through thick mud.  Everything took extra effort to get done.  It was hard to stay consistent with any routine.  It was as if my routine was written on paper and that paper was torn into pieces and thrown up in the air.  I felt like I was always trying to catch the papers and put it all back together, but somehow the pieces didn't fit anymore.  Sounds crazy, I know, but that is the only way I can explain it.

So seven years has gone by without Megan and I wonder what she would have been like.  Where would she have gone to school, what would she look like, what would our relationship be like?  There are so many questions that will never be answered. But I do accept that is the way it is.  I'll never know.  But I can imagine.

This site has always been about Megan, but this post is more about me.  I am not exactly sure why I felt compelled to write this much.  I do enjoy reading the old posts on this site and would like to figure out a way to print everything out so I have a hard copy of it.  I am actually afraid that this site might disappear sometime into cyberspace.

If you are reading this, it means that you are still visiting the site and thinking about Megan.  Thanks for that.  I always hope to keep her memory alive.